How to Overcome the Inner Critic

Building Self-Compassion and Confidence in the Line-up

I have always been hard on myself—expecting top grades in every subject, excelling at sports, knowing more than others, working harder, and generally being better. Being “good” was never enough; I had to be great. I had to outperform everyone. This relentless drive came to a head in my mid-twenties when my body began to show serious signs of stress and burnout. I developed high blood pressure, struggled with extreme fatigue, and suffered from severe IBS. My diet became so restricted that finding foods I could tolerate was a daily challenge.

I had already struggled with my mental health being diagnosed with depression already at 19. In 2012, I slept through almost the entire month of October—waking only to eat and work. By November, I woke up to anxiety. It was time to see my psychiatrist again.

At this point, I was already a psychologist. I knew what was driving me: a crippling low self-esteem. I had tied my worth as a person—my very right to exist if you will—to the quality of my performance. I was in constant competition with the entire world, fighting every day to earn love and acceptance—from myself, though I mistakenly believed it could only be given by others. Back then, I didn’t recognize this as clearly as I do now.

That endless battle was exhausting. What I needed to do was stop and redirect all the energy I poured into “earning” love toward loving myself.

The Road to Healing

Despite understanding I was burned out, making real changes was a long process. I needed help and support—two things I was resistant to accepting. What followed were years of work to embrace all parts of myself, release shame and self-hatred, and replace them with compassion and love.

I started surfing a few years after my burnout, and as I was still on this journey, my old patterns of being overly critical resurfaced—this time in the water. It was more subtle, so it took me longer to notice. I’d feel angry or disappointed after bad surf sessions or frustrated when the conditions weren’t ideal. Eventually, surfing began to feel heavy, no longer the carefree escape it once was.

It took time to realize that my inner critic was at work again, telling me I had to meet an arbitrary standard. For me, that standard wasn’t about surfing well or looking a certain way—it was about being “tough.” I believed I had to charge every wave, no matter what.

Accepting my fear and vulnerability felt impossible because I had spent all my life pretending, I wasn’t those things. If I hesitated on a wave or got scared by challenging conditions, I’d judge myself harshly. I rejected those scared parts of myself, just as I had been doing all my life. Deepening that childhood wound of feeling like something is wrong with you. Naturally, I began avoiding situations that triggered that pain and wound. I stopped pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone and avoided certain spots or conditions. This only created more frustration because avoiding challenges meant I wasn’t “tough”—a vicious cycle.

My self-worth had become tied to how tough I was in the water, as if every wave I hesitated on chipped away at my value as a person. The inner critic wasn’t just impacting my surfing—it was shaping how I related to myself.

The Turning Point: Learning to Accept Myself Fully

At some point, I realized I had to change. Surfing—and life—is so much better when you don’t have to be “tough” all the time. The key for me was that it had started to become clear that the toughness was actually the very thing that kept me from love. The one thing I thought I would earn by being tough.

When I finally allowed myself to embrace fear and vulnerability, they began to fade. More than that, they enriched my life in ways I never imagined. It opened up the door to love and connection.

This transformation didn’t happen overnight. I had to actively shift my mindset away from needing to be tough and toward simply enjoying the experience of surfing. I began celebrating small victories: acknowledging when I felt scared, appreciating the fact that I tried, and valuing the beauty of being in the water and nature. Embracing play rather than performance if you will.

One of the most profound lessons I learned was that my self-worth—my ability to be loved and accepted—was not tied to how tough I was. Separating my performance in surfing from my value as a person was crucial. Instead of measuring my worth by how fearless I was, I started valuing my growth, effort, and resilience.

I still want to challenge myself, to learn to surf bigger, steeper, and faster waves. But I no longer hate myself on the days I don’t. I’ve come to see that true strength lies in embracing all sides of myself—the tough, the soft, the beautiful, and the flawed.

Practical Exercises to Build Self-Esteem and Confidence in Surfing

If any of this resonates with you, here are three exercises that have helped me build a healthier relationship with myself and surfing:

Positive Self-Talk Reframe
When you catch yourself in a negative thought loop, pause and reframe it. Instead of “I’m terrible at this,” try, “I’m learning, and every wave is an opportunity to improve.” Speak to yourself as you would a friend—acknowledge mistakes but focus on the positive steps forward.

Gratitude Journal for Surfing Wins
After each surf session, write down three things that went well or that you’re proud of. These don’t have to be big accomplishments. Even something like “I stayed calm”, “I experienced new surf spots” or “I loved feeling the sun on my face” counts. This practice helps shift your focus to the positives, reminding you to treasure the experience. As the saying goes, “No amount of worrying changes the future, but any amount of gratitude changes the present.”

Visualization for Self-Compassion
Before you paddle out, take a few moments to visualize yourself surfing with confidence and kindness. Imagine responding to challenges with grace and staying calm in the face of mistakes. This mental practice can help you cultivate a self-compassionate mindset and navigate difficulties with ease.

Surfing is a deeply personal and beautiful journey. It’s not about proving anything—it’s about showing up, embracing each moment, and letting the ocean be a source of joy rather than judgment. I hope these reflections and exercises inspire you to approach your own surfing journey with more kindness and self-compassion. You are worthy and resilient, just as you are

// Lisa Davidsson, Surf Psychologist & Therapist